new year, same old me.

i think new years a suitable time to set new goals for myself. i know, i know you've heard this all before! but seriously ive actually been looking forward to new year so then christmas is over and being force fed food i dont even like can stop!
I was with N [my new boyfriend who i havent had time to tell you about] and we always play this game where we rate people out of ten, and ofcourse he said 9.5 for me saying no one can be perfect and all these amazing girls he's friends with were really thin and pretty. and i honestly could of cried he was like 8 and stuff just because i was there, obviously he meant 1000. and theres this girl who i was convinced he was having a thing with before me and she'll be called Boobs, and we were looking at a photo of her on facebook and he went to say 'she looks pretty as out' and she stopped and tried to change the conversation, i was gutted. cause he always says how much he hates her, obviously just saying it to me but yanno what i mean.
the news with me and the boyf?
erm i was seeing him for a little while, actually not even that long. id still rather be just seeing him then officially going out, its not really my scene, i like more then one guy at a time haha. slut i hear you say? nope, i just like to think if i get let down by one, then i have others to keep my mind off it. he's like an inch taller then me and im really short im about 5ft3, i find it abit weird but its only height. he's actually gorgeous, when i first sore him i was like blimeyyyyyy he is fit! i have no idea why he bothers with me, he'snothing like T but im not sure things seem easier with him like i could just drop him any time i wanted. im not sure if i actually like him, but im like this all the time. he always touches my stomach and i bloody hate it since summer i look like ive put on about 2 stone, and i feel like it too! but yea its all good with me and N, just casual. ha!
Now, the important stuff? why haven't i wrote? what have i been doing? have i been eating a load of shit?
i havent wrote on here because when i was fasting all the time i was feeling so tired and had about 0 energy, one time stood out to me it was the end of school and i was walking towards to bus with my friend and i didnt even have the energy to carry my bag, i could feel my legs and arms shaking. and then the hair situation i wrote about, i still loose hair really bad, but i think its more me stressing about being fat. i've been eating like a pig! im not even joking in the slightest, living off chocolate and chocolate milk! i barley even like the stuff, its so sickly and fatty!
 i didnt even go out for new years tonight, ive been throwing up since before christmas. when i split my head open in the crash, ive been getting really bad heads since and ive been backwards and forwards to the doctors for ages. they gave me some pink tablets that did nothing. went back and theyve gave me these things that make me sick and tired. ive got a brain scan on the 14th and im so worried, not about the actual scan, just about what they find! i dont want it to be something awful!
Right and for my diet plan, my new years diet plan;
- 500 cals a day
- fast for 2 days a week, you know how much i love fasting. but im trying to keep it reasonable, rather then all the time and getting ill.
- 30 minutes exercise 5 days a week, easier said then actually done! when i go to school its dark and when i get back its dark!
- sit ups every night, this is vital. a few sit ups everyday is meant to tone your stomach so well.

how i am now, is probably the most unhappy i have ever been in my whole life! nothing cheers me up, not even spending money cheers me up anymore! i looked in the mirror today and imagened i was 10 and i looked and myself and thought when im older i dont want to be anything like her! if i could of seen what i was going to turn out like then maybe things would be different, even last new year i didnt imagen i'd be anything like this now!

ive also made a few new years resolutions -
- stick to my diet plan.
- only eat when im hungry, not bored!
- be a nicer person ha
- and get back to being a happy person! i miss it so much :(

stay strong,ox

i need to fast.

You know something when i fast i hate doing it, but when i stop i miss it. Right now me not fasting is wierd its just like oh yea i need to eat now don't i? I want to loose weight and be the thinnest most beautiful girl in the world, but i guess thats all we all want. I finally got pills to help my hair, to stop it from falling out. Now i have no excuse. I stopped living normaly when i chose to be like this and i guess we all gave up rights to a normal life, this isn't living anymore this isnt even existing. This is just being here, barley being here.
But yea i'm fasting tomorrow and im not planning ahead of that and writing it on here cause i'll feel like id of let you all down if i failed myself. But im going to try my best, it's not just being thin it's proving to everyone i can do it. Being the best.

But thank you for everyone who's been supportive to me. I actually couldnt do it without all of your comments and help!

Stay strong; ox

time for change

Im not talking about dieting today, cause i dont see any point.

Yesterday i wrote a short list of things i wanted to do to change, today im making it longer and more detailed;
- Grow my hair, since i made the mistake of having it all cut off about a year and a half ago. I then plan on dying it ginger when it gets past boob length. But im not to sure on the colour just yet cause im sure i will of changed my mind by then.
-Eat healthier; salads, less crap. Because im going to try to stop fasting all the time on and off, and just eat better.
-Become a happier person. Says it all really.
-Sell some more stuff that i dont want, cause i have loads of clothes i dont wear just sitting there that i could sell for more money, since Christmas is only a few months away!
-Try harder to get a job.
-Look after my skin more, cause i have very dry skin and recently i havent been taking care of it.
-Instead of being obsessed with acrylic nails, take care of my own more.
-Get on with my school work. Insteadof being constantly distracted in class and on here instead of doing my homework/coursework.
-Start a hobby, like boxercise,hockey, art classes..ect
-Walk before and after school


And when i get myself back on track with school and everything, start dieting like i used to. When i had real willpower, when i wanted this more then anything ever! I ate today. And i'll eat tomorrow. But i really need to sort myself out and get back to how it was, when i could fast for days and loose weight in an instant.

Stay strong, and please dont be ashamed of me! ox

and we dont know how we got into this situation

Im eating normally until i get something to help my hair, cause i am not going bald! :|
I'll probably pick some up tomorrow until im back on track, i got the worst stomach pains ever today i think its cause i ate the most i have in a while. I dont enjoy eating, infact i feel guilty. I dont even like how it tastes. Nothing i eat tastes nice. I just eat.. I dont know what i can do to stop. If i wasnt going bald i wouldnt be eating now but it'll take me forever to get back on track. I need to want this so much and i just cant seem to sort myself out.
But anyways i have more important things to sort out T. I miss him so much! I think about him everyday and when he told me he was thinking about me i was in tears! I wish i hadnt been so stupid about him and when he tried to sort things out, id tried to. but i didnt and its not that i regret something i did. its that i regret something i didnt do while i had the chance, and now i relise things would be so different if i had. But i need to sort myself out i do know that.
So ive made a list of things to do and change about myself to keep my mind off him;
- Getting back on track with my dieting. [ofcourse is top, despite not wanting to i'll probably turn to purging again]
- New hair
-Change my make up style. [of them i've had many]
-Become a nicer person.
-Get on with my school work.
-Get a job
-Sell some more of my things I dont want, for money! :)
- MOVE ON.

Anyways other then that, I am not happy atall. I was involved in a bus crash on the way home from school nearly 4 months ago now where two of my lovely friends died. And on the bus home the other day i relised people still arent wearing there seat belts and i nevr used to be one to bother about them, i'd bnever wear mine but since the crash i always have it on! And the girl i mentioned it to about her not wearing it she said 'i cant be arsed' I could of actually smacked her in the face there and then! She nearly lost her arm in the crash, she would of if it wasnt for her mums pleading. Im not a nasty person unless i have to be, but i wish she had lost her arm she might of bloody learnt! Its not just her though, It makes me so angry we all lost two amazing people and they still can't learn!

Stay strong; ox

do i want to be bald?

Well i managed to fast all day today my body actually had zero energy, im not even being funny i could hardly carry my bag around school thats how tired i was.
I got home and was ready for my hour and a half long walk with P. But something happend which took half an hour so i thought i'd do my hair. Brushing through, and a massive clump of hair came out and i didnt think to much of it, then it happend again.
I thought to myself; is this really worth it, cause i straight away knew it was from how many fast's id been doing recently. So i did it. I ate. I ate food. And you know something i dont even regret it.
But now i've eaten i can fast again. I dont know why im so obsessed with fasting but and im probably wrong but i seem to think now i've eaten my hair will be fine, but it wont. I know really it wont be fine. But it'll have to be. Im not going to start my 10 day fast again cause that would be stupid [since i barley ate anything]. Im just going to carry on like im not going bald. & then... then i guess i'll be happy. I'll be happy when im thin, with no hair.
I'll be happy? i doubt i'll ever be happy with my weight.
But i can try & then no one can ever say i didnt try to make it better. Because weather i go bald, fait, get ill. I'll be doing something i want to do. &  want to starve, i want to starve forever!

Stay strong! You all keep me going through the day! ox

BOOM.

One day of fasting; Done no problem!
Its tuesday night now & i dont know what im going to do on sunday, i have to go to my grans. Cause i have art to do [because i was stupid enough and took it] and she can basically do it for me. But because she's picking me up before lunch i dont know what im going to do, i might just have carrots and potatoe. Cause i dont see any harm in eating them, especially since i know i have to eat otherwise if i just sya no to food once she'll think im starving myself to death or something over the top. But yea this is going pretty well, ofcourse i had the usual cravings but i didnt give in! I was looking at myself this morning and i just thought; what a fat bellied, cellulite legged, double chinned ugly whore. I just want to be pretty. I must say that everyday but thats all i want and to be pretty you have to be thin.
You know since starting this blog i've been a hell of a lot more successful. Because when i eat i feel guilty and think you'll all be ashamed of me! By the way thank you to my 11 followers, your comments make this evenmore worth it!
I have so much work t do its not even funny im basically pulling my hair out! I have business coursework for the 24th! Art for 5 days away! Chemistry & Biology & german! I actually cant cope with this amount of work! :(
Anyways back to my plan i was meant to do a ten day fast but my grans on sunday, which i have to go to so i'll be doing a five day fast. Eating a small meal. Then another five day fast! After that i plan to do my one apple a day cut into 8 for a week. Then wherever things go from there..

I can't wait to prove them all wrong! :) ox

where is my willpower?

Guess who ate? me. I dont even know why. I wasnt hungry. And you want to know something I didnt enjoy a single bit of it. It tasted like dirt! Every food i ate while i was eating tasted like total shit. I dont even know why i ate it. I didnt enjoy it. So for a punishment to myself; Im fasting for ten days. I dont get why i cant be as strong as other girls! i need to be twice as strong! because im four times as fat as them all im so weak! :( when i first started this i knew it'd become and obsession and never stop. it just keeps getting worse. Wish me luck with my 10 day fast [starting tomorrow] cause im gonna need it.

But we all know, we'll all be dead before we're thin enough. ox