hello hip bones.

got on the scale and 136. well done me, may be slow at the moment but its still going. i can see more of a difference aswell!


Lunch
toast - 138 cal
butter - 40 cal
half an apple - 30 cal
mouth full of milkshake - 20 cal

Tea
sandwich - 100 cal
eclaire - 147cal [if i could of got away without eating this i would of, but my mum went and bought 2 one for me and one for her and she found it abit weird how i wasnt eating it, cause i used to love them, but it was within my daily cals so its okay]
            
= 475 cal

all i want to be is beautiful. i know i have amazing friends who love me, but i need to love myself aswell. i want to be able to look in the mirror without wanting to cry, without hating what i see staring back at me.

i'll try to do this.

i will do this, not for anyone else, just for me.

stay strong girlies ox

true or false it may be.

got on the scale and one pound dropped.

Breakfast;
apple - 50 cal

no lunch

Tea;
baked potato - 200
3 biscuites - 240
apple - 50

= 530

i actually had to have the apple, it was either that or more junk food! i wish this weight could just fall off me and then i could be perfect, but i guess if it was that easy everyone would be thin and amazing! i am 5ft 4, short red hair, massive boobs, belly and horrible wobbley thighs! what i want to be is long blonde hair, thin, toned belly, thin thighs and everything perfect colar bones, cheek bones... i want this. infact, i need this more than anything!
i want to fast so bad, but i know it wont last and ill binge, so im trying to go steady with a little food.
i dont really know what else i can say other then im staying strong for all of you, i know when i left you all back in november i lost all my followers who commented, but i really am trying.

"the only easy day was yesterday and thats because its over"

I'll get there... you'll see. ox

the scale.

i got on the scale today and i didnt like what i sore 137, my heart absolutely sank. but now ive got on i know if i make progress, which ofcourse i will.

anyways on a better note;
i was planning on eating only 500 calories today, and i did it.
Breakfast
Apple - 50 cal

Lunch
Toast 2 slices - 138 cal
Margerine - 36 cal per 10 grams

Tea
5 Biscuits - 250

= 474

im quite proud of myself really, i know its only the first day and the first two weeks are the hardest, but you have no idea how much i was going to binge but i stopped myself and thought 'do i want to hate myself for the rest of the week for something i enjoyed for a minute' the answer was an obvious no. i stayed off school today i just decided i wasnt going in after being up til ridiculous oclock doing my art essay and whatever else, so i stayed in bed and did sweet fuck all. Tomorrow im going to go in so that means i wont be eating lunch, as i never do at school cause i dont know the calories in anything and i dont really like the thought of someone touching my food when i dont know where its been. So for breakfast i will have my apple and when i get home i plan on having a jacket potato with whatever i can, the jacket potato being 245 calories for a 180g potato. but then ofcourse no eating after six, which i stuck to today aswell. i want to start adding more and more exercise but with it being dark early and stuff its abit hard, but im going to try my best.

this summer i will be able to look drop dead gorgeous in those shorts, trust me.

stay strong ox

ana, i would die for you.

you know when you feel so useless and worthless, that you just want to go to sleep and never wake up? well right now, this is how i feel, exactly!

I broke up with N, cause he asked to many questions about my past and things, i dont know i just felt like he knew to much. when i first broke up with him i felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, nowi dont i was crying before cause i was talking to his younger sister and she was like 'he isnt bothered tbh', when he'd been telling me how gutted he was and he really really liked me. if im honest, im gutted. i told everyone i was glad i did it, but im far from it.

on a better note, ive been eating alot less lately. less and less each day which is easy. i do miss fasting for days, but i dont miss the stomach cramps that i'd cry about for hours. tomorrows plan is to bullshit my day off school, cause its 2am right now and im sat doing an art essay that ive been doing for 11 hours! fuck my life. i have loads more work to do, and i honestly doubt i could face going in to school tomorrow, i think id break down. im planning on starting all the exercise i want to do this week, im trying to start everything slowly so i dont keep failing myself by eating. i will get there, no matter what it takes.

stay thin girlies ox

fuck sake!

i dont get how you lot can do it?
honestly! ive gone into such a depressed state. i miss Chloe and Kieran so much, them being dead i just not real, im never gonna see them again. i have so much school work to do, that im meant to be doing now! but nooo. im sat on here and listening to music i dont really like. ive had 3 mcdonnalds in two days! comon this is more then comfort eating!
i sore T my ex today my heart bloody stopped, you know when you just wanna run upto someone and hug the life out of them? well thats what i wanted to do. then to see him walking up to his girlfriend smiling. upsetting? pah!
im not promising what im going to do, cause obviously ive let you down lately, but im gonna try my best anyways :(
i actually hate myself.
stay strong,,ox

take ya money.

fasted all day today, had the odd cravings but it's all good!
tomorrow is 500 cals

i didnt sleep atall lastnight, so im really tired now or id write more.

stay strong;ox

new year, same old me.

i think new years a suitable time to set new goals for myself. i know, i know you've heard this all before! but seriously ive actually been looking forward to new year so then christmas is over and being force fed food i dont even like can stop!
I was with N [my new boyfriend who i havent had time to tell you about] and we always play this game where we rate people out of ten, and ofcourse he said 9.5 for me saying no one can be perfect and all these amazing girls he's friends with were really thin and pretty. and i honestly could of cried he was like 8 and stuff just because i was there, obviously he meant 1000. and theres this girl who i was convinced he was having a thing with before me and she'll be called Boobs, and we were looking at a photo of her on facebook and he went to say 'she looks pretty as out' and she stopped and tried to change the conversation, i was gutted. cause he always says how much he hates her, obviously just saying it to me but yanno what i mean.
the news with me and the boyf?
erm i was seeing him for a little while, actually not even that long. id still rather be just seeing him then officially going out, its not really my scene, i like more then one guy at a time haha. slut i hear you say? nope, i just like to think if i get let down by one, then i have others to keep my mind off it. he's like an inch taller then me and im really short im about 5ft3, i find it abit weird but its only height. he's actually gorgeous, when i first sore him i was like blimeyyyyyy he is fit! i have no idea why he bothers with me, he'snothing like T but im not sure things seem easier with him like i could just drop him any time i wanted. im not sure if i actually like him, but im like this all the time. he always touches my stomach and i bloody hate it since summer i look like ive put on about 2 stone, and i feel like it too! but yea its all good with me and N, just casual. ha!
Now, the important stuff? why haven't i wrote? what have i been doing? have i been eating a load of shit?
i havent wrote on here because when i was fasting all the time i was feeling so tired and had about 0 energy, one time stood out to me it was the end of school and i was walking towards to bus with my friend and i didnt even have the energy to carry my bag, i could feel my legs and arms shaking. and then the hair situation i wrote about, i still loose hair really bad, but i think its more me stressing about being fat. i've been eating like a pig! im not even joking in the slightest, living off chocolate and chocolate milk! i barley even like the stuff, its so sickly and fatty!
 i didnt even go out for new years tonight, ive been throwing up since before christmas. when i split my head open in the crash, ive been getting really bad heads since and ive been backwards and forwards to the doctors for ages. they gave me some pink tablets that did nothing. went back and theyve gave me these things that make me sick and tired. ive got a brain scan on the 14th and im so worried, not about the actual scan, just about what they find! i dont want it to be something awful!
Right and for my diet plan, my new years diet plan;
- 500 cals a day
- fast for 2 days a week, you know how much i love fasting. but im trying to keep it reasonable, rather then all the time and getting ill.
- 30 minutes exercise 5 days a week, easier said then actually done! when i go to school its dark and when i get back its dark!
- sit ups every night, this is vital. a few sit ups everyday is meant to tone your stomach so well.

how i am now, is probably the most unhappy i have ever been in my whole life! nothing cheers me up, not even spending money cheers me up anymore! i looked in the mirror today and imagened i was 10 and i looked and myself and thought when im older i dont want to be anything like her! if i could of seen what i was going to turn out like then maybe things would be different, even last new year i didnt imagen i'd be anything like this now!

ive also made a few new years resolutions -
- stick to my diet plan.
- only eat when im hungry, not bored!
- be a nicer person ha
- and get back to being a happy person! i miss it so much :(

stay strong,ox