i dont know what to think, or who to believe. everything spun out of control and hit rock bottom. my only support is myself and i have to sort things out. once you hit rock bottom the only way is up, the only person who can sort it out is me, i either sort things out or stay at rock bottom. and rock bottom isnt a very nice place.
xoxo
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
i want to fall asleep and never wake up..
sorry i havent posted i smashed my laptop and had to wait to get a new one.
fyi;
ive had a massive fall out with my mum and i dont live with her anymore i havent for about 10 days ish? and god its weird, i miss her and stuff. im in tears writing this, cause just now have i realised how shit my life is. i fucking hate my life. my friends are two faced, shit, backstabbing, useless wastes of space, annoying. i sometimes look at people i hate and think i hope you get hit by a train. everyone and their fucking perfect life, and there's me with no dad and a mum that doesnt want me! life is class.
being at my grans has made weightloss hard, but now im settled it im going to try and stick to it, easier said then done with her forcing food down my throat.
xoxo
fyi;
ive had a massive fall out with my mum and i dont live with her anymore i havent for about 10 days ish? and god its weird, i miss her and stuff. im in tears writing this, cause just now have i realised how shit my life is. i fucking hate my life. my friends are two faced, shit, backstabbing, useless wastes of space, annoying. i sometimes look at people i hate and think i hope you get hit by a train. everyone and their fucking perfect life, and there's me with no dad and a mum that doesnt want me! life is class.
being at my grans has made weightloss hard, but now im settled it im going to try and stick to it, easier said then done with her forcing food down my throat.
xoxo
Friday, 14 January 2011
just a little bit smaller.
atleast i didnt gain.
got on the scale and it had only dropped by 0.04 on my bmi but atleast i didnt gain, thats the main thing
Tea -
very small salad
letuce
cucumber
sweetcorns
grated carrot
grated cheese
but only a very small amount, i dont know how much calories there was but it was the only thing i ate all day because i was scared it would be 500 cals.
how am i meant to keep starving myself when my mum buy all the fatty foods id love to live off! she came home today with chocolate muffins and my heart stopped! i was like nooooooooooo, how the fuck am i meant to stay away?! all i think about is food twenty four, seven!
got on the scale and it had only dropped by 0.04 on my bmi but atleast i didnt gain, thats the main thing
Tea -
very small salad
letuce
cucumber
sweetcorns
grated carrot
grated cheese
but only a very small amount, i dont know how much calories there was but it was the only thing i ate all day because i was scared it would be 500 cals.
how am i meant to keep starving myself when my mum buy all the fatty foods id love to live off! she came home today with chocolate muffins and my heart stopped! i was like nooooooooooo, how the fuck am i meant to stay away?! all i think about is food twenty four, seven!
i want a flat stomach like the girl in the middle for summer.
46 pounds away from perfection.
i will get there, you'll see ox
Thursday, 13 January 2011
hello hip bones.
got on the scale and 136. well done me, may be slow at the moment but its still going. i can see more of a difference aswell!
Lunch
toast - 138 cal
butter - 40 cal
half an apple - 30 cal
mouth full of milkshake - 20 cal
Tea
sandwich - 100 cal
eclaire - 147cal [if i could of got away without eating this i would of, but my mum went and bought 2 one for me and one for her and she found it abit weird how i wasnt eating it, cause i used to love them, but it was within my daily cals so its okay]
= 475 cal
i'll try to do this.
Lunch
toast - 138 cal
butter - 40 cal
half an apple - 30 cal
mouth full of milkshake - 20 cal
Tea
sandwich - 100 cal
eclaire - 147cal [if i could of got away without eating this i would of, but my mum went and bought 2 one for me and one for her and she found it abit weird how i wasnt eating it, cause i used to love them, but it was within my daily cals so its okay]
= 475 cal
all i want to be is beautiful. i know i have amazing friends who love me, but i need to love myself aswell. i want to be able to look in the mirror without wanting to cry, without hating what i see staring back at me.
i will do this, not for anyone else, just for me.
stay strong girlies ox
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
true or false it may be.
got on the scale and one pound dropped.
Breakfast;
apple - 50 cal
no lunch
Tea;
baked potato - 200
3 biscuites - 240
apple - 50
= 530
i actually had to have the apple, it was either that or more junk food! i wish this weight could just fall off me and then i could be perfect, but i guess if it was that easy everyone would be thin and amazing! i am 5ft 4, short red hair, massive boobs, belly and horrible wobbley thighs! what i want to be is long blonde hair, thin, toned belly, thin thighs and everything perfect colar bones, cheek bones... i want this. infact, i need this more than anything!
i want to fast so bad, but i know it wont last and ill binge, so im trying to go steady with a little food.
i dont really know what else i can say other then im staying strong for all of you, i know when i left you all back in november i lost all my followers who commented, but i really am trying.
"the only easy day was yesterday and thats because its over"
Breakfast;
apple - 50 cal
no lunch
Tea;
baked potato - 200
3 biscuites - 240
apple - 50
= 530
i actually had to have the apple, it was either that or more junk food! i wish this weight could just fall off me and then i could be perfect, but i guess if it was that easy everyone would be thin and amazing! i am 5ft 4, short red hair, massive boobs, belly and horrible wobbley thighs! what i want to be is long blonde hair, thin, toned belly, thin thighs and everything perfect colar bones, cheek bones... i want this. infact, i need this more than anything!
i want to fast so bad, but i know it wont last and ill binge, so im trying to go steady with a little food.
i dont really know what else i can say other then im staying strong for all of you, i know when i left you all back in november i lost all my followers who commented, but i really am trying.
"the only easy day was yesterday and thats because its over"
I'll get there... you'll see. ox
Monday, 10 January 2011
the scale.
i got on the scale today and i didnt like what i sore 137, my heart absolutely sank. but now ive got on i know if i make progress, which ofcourse i will.
anyways on a better note;
i was planning on eating only 500 calories today, and i did it.
Breakfast
Apple - 50 cal
Lunch
Toast 2 slices - 138 cal
Margerine - 36 cal per 10 grams
Tea
5 Biscuits - 250
= 474
im quite proud of myself really, i know its only the first day and the first two weeks are the hardest, but you have no idea how much i was going to binge but i stopped myself and thought 'do i want to hate myself for the rest of the week for something i enjoyed for a minute' the answer was an obvious no. i stayed off school today i just decided i wasnt going in after being up til ridiculous oclock doing my art essay and whatever else, so i stayed in bed and did sweet fuck all. Tomorrow im going to go in so that means i wont be eating lunch, as i never do at school cause i dont know the calories in anything and i dont really like the thought of someone touching my food when i dont know where its been. So for breakfast i will have my apple and when i get home i plan on having a jacket potato with whatever i can, the jacket potato being 245 calories for a 180g potato. but then ofcourse no eating after six, which i stuck to today aswell. i want to start adding more and more exercise but with it being dark early and stuff its abit hard, but im going to try my best.
this summer i will be able to look drop dead gorgeous in those shorts, trust me.
anyways on a better note;
i was planning on eating only 500 calories today, and i did it.
Breakfast
Apple - 50 cal
Lunch
Toast 2 slices - 138 cal
Margerine - 36 cal per 10 grams
Tea
5 Biscuits - 250
= 474
im quite proud of myself really, i know its only the first day and the first two weeks are the hardest, but you have no idea how much i was going to binge but i stopped myself and thought 'do i want to hate myself for the rest of the week for something i enjoyed for a minute' the answer was an obvious no. i stayed off school today i just decided i wasnt going in after being up til ridiculous oclock doing my art essay and whatever else, so i stayed in bed and did sweet fuck all. Tomorrow im going to go in so that means i wont be eating lunch, as i never do at school cause i dont know the calories in anything and i dont really like the thought of someone touching my food when i dont know where its been. So for breakfast i will have my apple and when i get home i plan on having a jacket potato with whatever i can, the jacket potato being 245 calories for a 180g potato. but then ofcourse no eating after six, which i stuck to today aswell. i want to start adding more and more exercise but with it being dark early and stuff its abit hard, but im going to try my best.
this summer i will be able to look drop dead gorgeous in those shorts, trust me.
stay strong ox
Sunday, 9 January 2011
ana, i would die for you.
you know when you feel so useless and worthless, that you just want to go to sleep and never wake up? well right now, this is how i feel, exactly!
I broke up with N, cause he asked to many questions about my past and things, i dont know i just felt like he knew to much. when i first broke up with him i felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, nowi dont i was crying before cause i was talking to his younger sister and she was like 'he isnt bothered tbh', when he'd been telling me how gutted he was and he really really liked me. if im honest, im gutted. i told everyone i was glad i did it, but im far from it.
on a better note, ive been eating alot less lately. less and less each day which is easy. i do miss fasting for days, but i dont miss the stomach cramps that i'd cry about for hours. tomorrows plan is to bullshit my day off school, cause its 2am right now and im sat doing an art essay that ive been doing for 11 hours! fuck my life. i have loads more work to do, and i honestly doubt i could face going in to school tomorrow, i think id break down. im planning on starting all the exercise i want to do this week, im trying to start everything slowly so i dont keep failing myself by eating. i will get there, no matter what it takes.
stay thin girlies ox
I broke up with N, cause he asked to many questions about my past and things, i dont know i just felt like he knew to much. when i first broke up with him i felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, nowi dont i was crying before cause i was talking to his younger sister and she was like 'he isnt bothered tbh', when he'd been telling me how gutted he was and he really really liked me. if im honest, im gutted. i told everyone i was glad i did it, but im far from it.
on a better note, ive been eating alot less lately. less and less each day which is easy. i do miss fasting for days, but i dont miss the stomach cramps that i'd cry about for hours. tomorrows plan is to bullshit my day off school, cause its 2am right now and im sat doing an art essay that ive been doing for 11 hours! fuck my life. i have loads more work to do, and i honestly doubt i could face going in to school tomorrow, i think id break down. im planning on starting all the exercise i want to do this week, im trying to start everything slowly so i dont keep failing myself by eating. i will get there, no matter what it takes.
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