new year, same old me.

i think new years a suitable time to set new goals for myself. i know, i know you've heard this all before! but seriously ive actually been looking forward to new year so then christmas is over and being force fed food i dont even like can stop!
I was with N [my new boyfriend who i havent had time to tell you about] and we always play this game where we rate people out of ten, and ofcourse he said 9.5 for me saying no one can be perfect and all these amazing girls he's friends with were really thin and pretty. and i honestly could of cried he was like 8 and stuff just because i was there, obviously he meant 1000. and theres this girl who i was convinced he was having a thing with before me and she'll be called Boobs, and we were looking at a photo of her on facebook and he went to say 'she looks pretty as out' and she stopped and tried to change the conversation, i was gutted. cause he always says how much he hates her, obviously just saying it to me but yanno what i mean.
the news with me and the boyf?
erm i was seeing him for a little while, actually not even that long. id still rather be just seeing him then officially going out, its not really my scene, i like more then one guy at a time haha. slut i hear you say? nope, i just like to think if i get let down by one, then i have others to keep my mind off it. he's like an inch taller then me and im really short im about 5ft3, i find it abit weird but its only height. he's actually gorgeous, when i first sore him i was like blimeyyyyyy he is fit! i have no idea why he bothers with me, he'snothing like T but im not sure things seem easier with him like i could just drop him any time i wanted. im not sure if i actually like him, but im like this all the time. he always touches my stomach and i bloody hate it since summer i look like ive put on about 2 stone, and i feel like it too! but yea its all good with me and N, just casual. ha!
Now, the important stuff? why haven't i wrote? what have i been doing? have i been eating a load of shit?
i havent wrote on here because when i was fasting all the time i was feeling so tired and had about 0 energy, one time stood out to me it was the end of school and i was walking towards to bus with my friend and i didnt even have the energy to carry my bag, i could feel my legs and arms shaking. and then the hair situation i wrote about, i still loose hair really bad, but i think its more me stressing about being fat. i've been eating like a pig! im not even joking in the slightest, living off chocolate and chocolate milk! i barley even like the stuff, its so sickly and fatty!
 i didnt even go out for new years tonight, ive been throwing up since before christmas. when i split my head open in the crash, ive been getting really bad heads since and ive been backwards and forwards to the doctors for ages. they gave me some pink tablets that did nothing. went back and theyve gave me these things that make me sick and tired. ive got a brain scan on the 14th and im so worried, not about the actual scan, just about what they find! i dont want it to be something awful!
Right and for my diet plan, my new years diet plan;
- 500 cals a day
- fast for 2 days a week, you know how much i love fasting. but im trying to keep it reasonable, rather then all the time and getting ill.
- 30 minutes exercise 5 days a week, easier said then actually done! when i go to school its dark and when i get back its dark!
- sit ups every night, this is vital. a few sit ups everyday is meant to tone your stomach so well.

how i am now, is probably the most unhappy i have ever been in my whole life! nothing cheers me up, not even spending money cheers me up anymore! i looked in the mirror today and imagened i was 10 and i looked and myself and thought when im older i dont want to be anything like her! if i could of seen what i was going to turn out like then maybe things would be different, even last new year i didnt imagen i'd be anything like this now!

ive also made a few new years resolutions -
- stick to my diet plan.
- only eat when im hungry, not bored!
- be a nicer person ha
- and get back to being a happy person! i miss it so much :(

stay strong,ox

i need to fast.

You know something when i fast i hate doing it, but when i stop i miss it. Right now me not fasting is wierd its just like oh yea i need to eat now don't i? I want to loose weight and be the thinnest most beautiful girl in the world, but i guess thats all we all want. I finally got pills to help my hair, to stop it from falling out. Now i have no excuse. I stopped living normaly when i chose to be like this and i guess we all gave up rights to a normal life, this isn't living anymore this isnt even existing. This is just being here, barley being here.
But yea i'm fasting tomorrow and im not planning ahead of that and writing it on here cause i'll feel like id of let you all down if i failed myself. But im going to try my best, it's not just being thin it's proving to everyone i can do it. Being the best.

But thank you for everyone who's been supportive to me. I actually couldnt do it without all of your comments and help!

Stay strong; ox

time for change

Im not talking about dieting today, cause i dont see any point.

Yesterday i wrote a short list of things i wanted to do to change, today im making it longer and more detailed;
- Grow my hair, since i made the mistake of having it all cut off about a year and a half ago. I then plan on dying it ginger when it gets past boob length. But im not to sure on the colour just yet cause im sure i will of changed my mind by then.
-Eat healthier; salads, less crap. Because im going to try to stop fasting all the time on and off, and just eat better.
-Become a happier person. Says it all really.
-Sell some more stuff that i dont want, cause i have loads of clothes i dont wear just sitting there that i could sell for more money, since Christmas is only a few months away!
-Try harder to get a job.
-Look after my skin more, cause i have very dry skin and recently i havent been taking care of it.
-Instead of being obsessed with acrylic nails, take care of my own more.
-Get on with my school work. Insteadof being constantly distracted in class and on here instead of doing my homework/coursework.
-Start a hobby, like boxercise,hockey, art classes..ect
-Walk before and after school


And when i get myself back on track with school and everything, start dieting like i used to. When i had real willpower, when i wanted this more then anything ever! I ate today. And i'll eat tomorrow. But i really need to sort myself out and get back to how it was, when i could fast for days and loose weight in an instant.

Stay strong, and please dont be ashamed of me! ox

and we dont know how we got into this situation

Im eating normally until i get something to help my hair, cause i am not going bald! :|
I'll probably pick some up tomorrow until im back on track, i got the worst stomach pains ever today i think its cause i ate the most i have in a while. I dont enjoy eating, infact i feel guilty. I dont even like how it tastes. Nothing i eat tastes nice. I just eat.. I dont know what i can do to stop. If i wasnt going bald i wouldnt be eating now but it'll take me forever to get back on track. I need to want this so much and i just cant seem to sort myself out.
But anyways i have more important things to sort out T. I miss him so much! I think about him everyday and when he told me he was thinking about me i was in tears! I wish i hadnt been so stupid about him and when he tried to sort things out, id tried to. but i didnt and its not that i regret something i did. its that i regret something i didnt do while i had the chance, and now i relise things would be so different if i had. But i need to sort myself out i do know that.
So ive made a list of things to do and change about myself to keep my mind off him;
- Getting back on track with my dieting. [ofcourse is top, despite not wanting to i'll probably turn to purging again]
- New hair
-Change my make up style. [of them i've had many]
-Become a nicer person.
-Get on with my school work.
-Get a job
-Sell some more of my things I dont want, for money! :)
- MOVE ON.

Anyways other then that, I am not happy atall. I was involved in a bus crash on the way home from school nearly 4 months ago now where two of my lovely friends died. And on the bus home the other day i relised people still arent wearing there seat belts and i nevr used to be one to bother about them, i'd bnever wear mine but since the crash i always have it on! And the girl i mentioned it to about her not wearing it she said 'i cant be arsed' I could of actually smacked her in the face there and then! She nearly lost her arm in the crash, she would of if it wasnt for her mums pleading. Im not a nasty person unless i have to be, but i wish she had lost her arm she might of bloody learnt! Its not just her though, It makes me so angry we all lost two amazing people and they still can't learn!

Stay strong; ox

do i want to be bald?

Well i managed to fast all day today my body actually had zero energy, im not even being funny i could hardly carry my bag around school thats how tired i was.
I got home and was ready for my hour and a half long walk with P. But something happend which took half an hour so i thought i'd do my hair. Brushing through, and a massive clump of hair came out and i didnt think to much of it, then it happend again.
I thought to myself; is this really worth it, cause i straight away knew it was from how many fast's id been doing recently. So i did it. I ate. I ate food. And you know something i dont even regret it.
But now i've eaten i can fast again. I dont know why im so obsessed with fasting but and im probably wrong but i seem to think now i've eaten my hair will be fine, but it wont. I know really it wont be fine. But it'll have to be. Im not going to start my 10 day fast again cause that would be stupid [since i barley ate anything]. Im just going to carry on like im not going bald. & then... then i guess i'll be happy. I'll be happy when im thin, with no hair.
I'll be happy? i doubt i'll ever be happy with my weight.
But i can try & then no one can ever say i didnt try to make it better. Because weather i go bald, fait, get ill. I'll be doing something i want to do. &  want to starve, i want to starve forever!

Stay strong! You all keep me going through the day! ox

BOOM.

One day of fasting; Done no problem!
Its tuesday night now & i dont know what im going to do on sunday, i have to go to my grans. Cause i have art to do [because i was stupid enough and took it] and she can basically do it for me. But because she's picking me up before lunch i dont know what im going to do, i might just have carrots and potatoe. Cause i dont see any harm in eating them, especially since i know i have to eat otherwise if i just sya no to food once she'll think im starving myself to death or something over the top. But yea this is going pretty well, ofcourse i had the usual cravings but i didnt give in! I was looking at myself this morning and i just thought; what a fat bellied, cellulite legged, double chinned ugly whore. I just want to be pretty. I must say that everyday but thats all i want and to be pretty you have to be thin.
You know since starting this blog i've been a hell of a lot more successful. Because when i eat i feel guilty and think you'll all be ashamed of me! By the way thank you to my 11 followers, your comments make this evenmore worth it!
I have so much work t do its not even funny im basically pulling my hair out! I have business coursework for the 24th! Art for 5 days away! Chemistry & Biology & german! I actually cant cope with this amount of work! :(
Anyways back to my plan i was meant to do a ten day fast but my grans on sunday, which i have to go to so i'll be doing a five day fast. Eating a small meal. Then another five day fast! After that i plan to do my one apple a day cut into 8 for a week. Then wherever things go from there..

I can't wait to prove them all wrong! :) ox

where is my willpower?

Guess who ate? me. I dont even know why. I wasnt hungry. And you want to know something I didnt enjoy a single bit of it. It tasted like dirt! Every food i ate while i was eating tasted like total shit. I dont even know why i ate it. I didnt enjoy it. So for a punishment to myself; Im fasting for ten days. I dont get why i cant be as strong as other girls! i need to be twice as strong! because im four times as fat as them all im so weak! :( when i first started this i knew it'd become and obsession and never stop. it just keeps getting worse. Wish me luck with my 10 day fast [starting tomorrow] cause im gonna need it.

But we all know, we'll all be dead before we're thin enough. ox

shaking body.

I managed not to binge lastnight while searching the internet for anything and everything thinspo. & i got to sleep at half twelve and woke up at half twelve so i got a good twelve hour sleep.
But i woke up to my whole body shaking and my head feels so heavy and sore my necks also killing me!
i was trying to text before i couldnt see the screen i was shaking that much. I might go and get some fruit juice or something to sort myself out. I feel like i could fast forever. Im considering becoming vegan, but then again i dont want people to think im a wierdo [cause thats how my friends would look at me] so i might just dislike alot of food, cause i mean ive got off a hell of alot of food recently.
Im shaking while typing this, its so hard to hit the right keys with my hands shaking so much! :(
Well anyways school tomorrow and when i get back from school i usualy head straight for the fridge and binge my fat ass off. But i'll try not to, since i've managed to fast for two days and by the time i get back from school it'll be three so i wont want to ruin it all by something that has 500 cal and i can only eat for two minutes.
I still havent weighed myself. When i've finised writing this im going to go down stairs and weigh then i'll edit it into this
Im trying to beat my longest fast which was 5 days so i think im going for a week this time maybe 10 days! :) then i know im going for the one apple a day chopped into 8 peices.

*I HAVE PUT ON 5LBS IN 26 DAYS! I SORE IT AND STARTED CRYING. I WENT FOR THE FRIDGE AND MANAGED NOT TO EAT I JUST DRANK ABOUT 25O CALS IN FRUIT JUICE! AM I REALLY GOING TO BE HAPPY AT THE END OF ALL THIS! WHEN I GET TO 95LBS. IM NOW ABOUT 131LBS SO I NEED TO LOOSE 36LBS. WHICH IS BASICALLY 3STONE.*

KG; ox

HELP.

Sorry to over load you with post's but..
I AM ABOUT TO BINGE! SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME SOME THINSPIRATION..! :(

i win.

I have been fasting for 24 hours now then, since i didnt fast yesterday i started yesterday at seven and now its half seven today. so 24 hours of fasting done! no problem.


my mum went out food shopping today and bought loads of chocolate and all my favourite food! I could of cried when i sore it. :( but im going to stay strong. i feel hungry and when i feel hungry i start to feel beautiful!
Ive got my business coursework to keep my mind off things, i need to get my head down like! otherwise i will FAIL. :|
FYI;
I went to the bank today to get some money out and then i rememberd i forgot my pin so i felt like i right foool! Me & C have still fallen out & you knwo what i couldnt care any less as basically every lass has said she needs to get some real friends she only has me [who hates her] J [who dislikes her] and THIGHS [who is a sad lonely wierdo who also needs friends]. But yea im pretty happy at the moment now im getting back on track :)

KG; ox

PAH!

Did i fast? did i fuck.

I know over the weekend i can get back on track im going to make sure of it!
I CAN DO IT.
Thank you for everyone who have showed support for me for this past week or so where i have became a fat whore! :(
Morning scales. So i can face my sins!
& then whatever comes my way during the day :)
I wanted to go out & spend money, but i dont deserve it. So im savin it til i get to my goal weights!
Which i think is a good idea cause i love buying new things and whatever but id enjoy spending money mor ethen loosing weight so if i stop myself from spending then i'll want to loose it faster :)

I sore a gorgeous cardigan on the topshop website well two actually and its coming up to winter so i was going to buy one of them but, im waiting til ive got to my goal even tho one of them is about to go offline im not giving in, im sure there'll be more. I have money from selling some of my designer shoes on the internet & a blazer & dress i got about £60 & then ill get £12.50 lunch money every week & if i could see some more things would be good! :)

Anyways i have still fallen out with C & she has tried to make PJ fall out with me. Glad to say it didnt wok and everyone relised what a backstabbing cow she is! But im happy ive stood my ground and im not running back saying im sorry cause i meant every word i said! ;)

STAY STRONG.

KG;ox

handeling business.

Fuck my life.


by now i should be like food? whats that? its more like food? oh you mean the stuff i eat loads of when i get back from schoo, yea i know the stuff i dont keep out of my mouth.
PAH! im a fucking joke.
I mean ive cut down an awfull lot. But im still eating.
Tomorrow im not going promise anything, but im going to try my damn hardest! I promise i'll try hard.


My best friend C is talking to my best friend T. And i basically said look right if i did this to 1 or 2 then you wouldnt like me! its not that its T. Its that its my ex. and youre meant to be my bestfriend! and you should know better.
Then she started getting all cocky 'i never said you were my bestfriend mate.' well she obviously did for the past three years. & then she told me to get a life! I didnt reply cause i didnt want to argue just state my point.


I have so much work to do its unreal! if i want a disinction in my business btec studies then i have loaaaaaads of work to do, and i do want distinction and at the end of year 11 i want distinction * which means distinction on every peice of coursework. cause no exams in btec. so i need to get my head down.


me and my mother have made up, when i got back from my grans my mum gave me some new benefit make up which i loved & i loved her for giving me! It actually made my week!
But yea lots of work up in five hours for a shower and to get read for school, cause tomorrows photograph day.

KG; ox

this right here i swear will end to soon.

HA!
Well im home. My mum seems cool with me. I've got rid of my puppy today, cause i had no time for it & i know the lady i gave it to will love it. S & T are all over eachother & its actually killing me i was so angry before i was emailing a friend but actually bashing the life out of my keyboard, I could of started smashing my face off a wall! Back to school on tuesday.


Now im home im going to fast for as long as possible. No set time. Just until i get as thin as i want. Until i waste away.
I'll get on the scales tomorrow to find out my start weight because i know ive put alot on while ive been at my grans. You see shes fat & doesnt see that i dont like eating as much as she does!


But yes i am fasting as of now. & walking again. tomorrow you just wait! :)

KG; ox

i will never be skinny enough.

Im really sorry for my last few posts of me just complaining about being fat & my mother. When really the only ting to blame is my lack of will power. When really i cant complain about what ive done cause its the past, i need to think about what i will do next time! :)


I still stuck at my grans for another two days, I text my mum about going home & she said 'no the house is still upside down.' so im going to give her tp sunday morning then go home. Cause i need her to take me out and buy me some shoes. Then i need to come back to my grans to get my bag that i've ordered.
But my plan for when i get home is to either fast, which i'd prefer. Or to do the one apple cut into eight a day.
But im going to do my morning walk; 45mins.
Then my night time walk with P; 2/3 hours.
EVERYDAY.

KG; ox

shut up complaining you fat slut.

Only two and a half days stuck at my grans eating! :/


Being stuck here has made me heavier then before i started this! FAT FUCKING SLUT!
Im nearly ten stone!? TEN FUCKING STONES! :'(


Celulite thighs. belly rolls. fat face. flabby arms.


I could cry. I feel so dirty fat.


Only two and a half more days! & then i can go home and starve & run & walk & purge.


I HATE MYSELF.

KG; one fat fuck. ox

been a while

No weight loss.

Well me and my mother had an argument three days ago and havent talked since and tonight she went if your not going to help you can ring your gran and go and stay with her. But i dont know if she meant just while the kitchen was getting done or forever. She does my fucking head in the stupid slut.
Im sure theres something wrong in her head.

So im going to stay at my grans for a week then i'll come home and see what crack is. Cause theres only ten days til im back at school and my stupid mother needs to buy me some new shoes.

Anyways i havent done much accept sleep and stay in bed.

KG; ox

i want your loving.

i wont even bother talking about my weight.

i've been acting totally different for the past few months or so. and i was looking up my symtoms on the internet and im worried that i have bipolar disorder. I have had depression since i started secondary but it had sort of calmed down at the start of this year and recently its seemed to of got alot worse. Not as in self harm anymore, nothing like that. Just awfull mood swings like lasting for days or weeks, from total highs to complete lows. & also the hopless lows, where i just feel crap for no reason atall. Ive had a few other symtoms and im not sure what to do next? tell my mum? go to the doctors (which i'd need my mum for) or leave it.

Im still awake and its five in the morning. But im not even tired. Im staying awake all night cause then tonight i'll go to sleep at a decent time. & therefore get up at a decent time.


KG; ox

not even worth writing about.

Ive eaten a hell of alot!
I still have no job.
Im still fat.
& i havent been on a walk in a day.


I have 16 days until i start back at school!
& i need to look amazing.


I want for school;
false eyelashes.
false nails
new bag
new shoes
new mascarra
new foundation.


i hate myself. i hate myself for having no will power. i hate myself for being who i am.

KG; ox

fat mess.

i didnt dare weigh myself this morning. fat. fat. fat.
but that didnt stop me eating today. even more of a fat whore.

So tomorrow i will stop, hold me to it.

I rang places asking about jobs today and since its wednesday most places are closed or close early so alot didnt answer, but the ones that did said ring back when the boss is in. I have to ring one back tomorrow along with the rest who didn't answer and one on saturday. I really do hope i get a job. Im totaly broke. I have £1.30.
And a job would get me out of bed and on my feet i guess.

But my walk tonight well hellish, me & P walked for three hours flat. I feel like i have blisters the size of golf balls on my feet. And my leg cramps and unreal.
But same again tomorrow ;)

I need to loose some serious weight!

KG; ox

foods slave

lastnight  i went on a walk with P.
this morning my bmi had lost that 0.04 it had gone up by yesterday!

I didnt get up this morning and P rang saying she couldnt do tonight so tonight i did my morning run and my night walk and it was alright actually. 
i ate today, i ate alot. but i didnt purge. it must of been about a week since ive ate normaly like i ate today. but its stopped thats it.
i need to be thin
im sick of seeing this fat scummy whore in the mirror when i look at myself.

i fell out with M tonight, he's my bestfriend. i had ago at him cause he's like forgot about me since all the new girls he's  texting and so on, but he only talks to me when he wants something and i was sick of it i was screaming down the phone about how full of himself he is and how he isnt gorgeous and i didnt care anymore. but yanno im kay.
long walk tomorrow with P, she promised a 2/3 hour walk cause she missed today. i'll probably go on my own later aswell.

KG; ox

0.04.

My bmi had gone up by 0.04 this morning when i weighed myself. my weight had gone up a 'little'. its not that i put weight on, its that i didnt loose any!
I slept in i was meant to be up at six to go on my run at half six and i got up at ten to seven, but still got up & went on my run-for-two-minutes, then got a stitch and walked. Thats how unfit i am, any idea what i can do to keep myself running for longer?
I did binge yesterday after my post on; an apple, a sandwich, and a kitkat. I couldnt believe i binged. I wasn't even hungry! I dont know why i did it, im so ashamed.
Blood shot eyes, sore throat, tears running down my face & bad stomach. Is what i had to put up with while purging. It took me ages! it was like my stomach was grabbing hold of the only food it had, got in days and it wasnt letting go. I'd so i got about 70% up which isn't the best but i suppose i could of done worse.
Im getting ready to go to the beach today, catch some sun in this great weather we're having latley!

KG; 0.04 fatter. xo

binge.

I got on the scales and there had gone one. just one pound! im not down to my 130.

i am seriously about to go and binge i dont know what to do to stop myself! and if i binge i'll never stop and i'll become more or a fat whore.

Tomorrow morning i am up at six to be ready for half six to then go on an hours run. Then to the besch to catch some rays.

I feel so weak now. i know i'm about to go and binge. im not even craving and kind of food im not even hungry!

KG; ox

one pound.

one pound? one crappy little pound is all i have lost. i said to myself as i looked at the scales, i started to think is it really worth it? is this all really worth it in the long term? am i happy? i couldn't answer any of those questions i asked myself, i'll answer them when i am 90 pounds. my mum said to me today; maybe if you hadn't been starving yourself. & i stopped and thought shit she knows, i quickly changed the topic.

i have fasted for three days and i can feel my body shutting down on its self, slowly. walking takes all my energy. i have a bad back. but then when i get hunger pains i feel beautiful & relise its worth all the pain and lack of food. i have had nearly no urge to go and eat today. i had my usual few mouth fulls of fruit juice that i have everyday. and half a glass of ribena. i went on the wii fit for a while, i would of stayed on it alot longer if me and my mum hadnt started arguing. i think monday-friday i might start getting up and going for a run/jog at half six. the time my mum goes to work. because i need to start doing something to loose more weight. i would join the gym again if i had any money, but my mum is refusing to pay for it.

any ideas of what exercises i can do in my room? ofcourse i do the usual sit ups.

other things in life are umm going pretty well i guess, i've came to terms with im never going to get T back. It's four weeks today since we broke up. and i relised i need to get a grip. and since im always thinking about what im eating how much exercise im doing i dont really think about him to much.

  

what i would do for these arms.

KG; on shitty little stone lighter.

four pounds.

Got on the scales this morning; goodbye four pounds! ;)


I am so pleased with myself, eventhough its just a start im still happy about it. I dont even feel hungry which is suprising. I was craving a KFC so bad earlier, i was nearly in tears. But i've said to myself at the end of the month if i get to my goal. I might maybe go to KFC with C; being my bestriend who i havent seen in three weeks & won't see for another three.


I spoke to my ex before just about getting some stuff of mine back, but he spoke first so it made it better. He said; you want your stuff at school mate:)? and that actually made me want to cry its been nearly a month since we broke up and its driving me mad. Him giving me my stuff is like an end to things. But loosing him gives me even more willpower to loose weight then i can be like;


TAKE
A
LOOK
AT
ME
NOW!


Anyways, i think i might fast for today since i dont seem hungry. Not sure about tomorrow. KG; four pounds lighter.

135.

I thought i'd start a blog so i could track and keep a record of my weight while i loose weight, i am currently 135 which is over weight for someone who's barley 5ft4. I didn't think i was over weight until i sat and worked it out & thats when my obsession started again; i've been very on and off with a weight problem for a few years but finding out i am overweight triggerd it again.


I have been on a two day fast and i think i've done pretty well but in the morning i will see how much weight i have lost. Fingers crossed. KG.