You know something when i fast i hate doing it, but when i stop i miss it. Right now me not fasting is wierd its just like oh yea i need to eat now don't i? I want to loose weight and be the thinnest most beautiful girl in the world, but i guess thats all we all want. I finally got pills to help my hair, to stop it from falling out. Now i have no excuse. I stopped living normaly when i chose to be like this and i guess we all gave up rights to a normal life, this isn't living anymore this isnt even existing. This is just being here, barley being here.
But yea i'm fasting tomorrow and im not planning ahead of that and writing it on here cause i'll feel like id of let you all down if i failed myself. But im going to try my best, it's not just being thin it's proving to everyone i can do it. Being the best.
But thank you for everyone who's been supportive to me. I actually couldnt do it without all of your comments and help!
Stay strong; ox
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Saturday 18 September 2010
time for change
Im not talking about dieting today, cause i dont see any point.
Yesterday i wrote a short list of things i wanted to do to change, today im making it longer and more detailed;
- Grow my hair, since i made the mistake of having it all cut off about a year and a half ago. I then plan on dying it ginger when it gets past boob length. But im not to sure on the colour just yet cause im sure i will of changed my mind by then.
-Eat healthier; salads, less crap. Because im going to try to stop fasting all the time on and off, and just eat better.
-Become a happier person. Says it all really.
-Sell some more stuff that i dont want, cause i have loads of clothes i dont wear just sitting there that i could sell for more money, since Christmas is only a few months away!
-Try harder to get a job.
-Look after my skin more, cause i have very dry skin and recently i havent been taking care of it.
-Instead of being obsessed with acrylic nails, take care of my own more.
-Get on with my school work. Insteadof being constantly distracted in class and on here instead of doing my homework/coursework.
-Start a hobby, like boxercise,hockey, art classes..ect
-Walk before and after school
And when i get myself back on track with school and everything, start dieting like i used to. When i had real willpower, when i wanted this more then anything ever! I ate today. And i'll eat tomorrow. But i really need to sort myself out and get back to how it was, when i could fast for days and loose weight in an instant.
Stay strong, and please dont be ashamed of me! ox
Yesterday i wrote a short list of things i wanted to do to change, today im making it longer and more detailed;
- Grow my hair, since i made the mistake of having it all cut off about a year and a half ago. I then plan on dying it ginger when it gets past boob length. But im not to sure on the colour just yet cause im sure i will of changed my mind by then.
-Eat healthier; salads, less crap. Because im going to try to stop fasting all the time on and off, and just eat better.
-Become a happier person. Says it all really.
-Sell some more stuff that i dont want, cause i have loads of clothes i dont wear just sitting there that i could sell for more money, since Christmas is only a few months away!
-Try harder to get a job.
-Look after my skin more, cause i have very dry skin and recently i havent been taking care of it.
-Instead of being obsessed with acrylic nails, take care of my own more.
-Get on with my school work. Insteadof being constantly distracted in class and on here instead of doing my homework/coursework.
-Start a hobby, like boxercise,hockey, art classes..ect
-Walk before and after school
And when i get myself back on track with school and everything, start dieting like i used to. When i had real willpower, when i wanted this more then anything ever! I ate today. And i'll eat tomorrow. But i really need to sort myself out and get back to how it was, when i could fast for days and loose weight in an instant.
Stay strong, and please dont be ashamed of me! ox
Friday 17 September 2010
and we dont know how we got into this situation
Im eating normally until i get something to help my hair, cause i am not going bald! :|
I'll probably pick some up tomorrow until im back on track, i got the worst stomach pains ever today i think its cause i ate the most i have in a while. I dont enjoy eating, infact i feel guilty. I dont even like how it tastes. Nothing i eat tastes nice. I just eat.. I dont know what i can do to stop. If i wasnt going bald i wouldnt be eating now but it'll take me forever to get back on track. I need to want this so much and i just cant seem to sort myself out.
But anyways i have more important things to sort out T. I miss him so much! I think about him everyday and when he told me he was thinking about me i was in tears! I wish i hadnt been so stupid about him and when he tried to sort things out, id tried to. but i didnt and its not that i regret something i did. its that i regret something i didnt do while i had the chance, and now i relise things would be so different if i had. But i need to sort myself out i do know that.
So ive made a list of things to do and change about myself to keep my mind off him;
- Getting back on track with my dieting. [ofcourse is top, despite not wanting to i'll probably turn to purging again]
- New hair
-Change my make up style. [of them i've had many]
-Become a nicer person.
-Get on with my school work.
-Get a job
-Sell some more of my things I dont want, for money! :)
- MOVE ON.
Anyways other then that, I am not happy atall. I was involved in a bus crash on the way home from school nearly 4 months ago now where two of my lovely friends died. And on the bus home the other day i relised people still arent wearing there seat belts and i nevr used to be one to bother about them, i'd bnever wear mine but since the crash i always have it on! And the girl i mentioned it to about her not wearing it she said 'i cant be arsed' I could of actually smacked her in the face there and then! She nearly lost her arm in the crash, she would of if it wasnt for her mums pleading. Im not a nasty person unless i have to be, but i wish she had lost her arm she might of bloody learnt! Its not just her though, It makes me so angry we all lost two amazing people and they still can't learn!
Stay strong; ox
I'll probably pick some up tomorrow until im back on track, i got the worst stomach pains ever today i think its cause i ate the most i have in a while. I dont enjoy eating, infact i feel guilty. I dont even like how it tastes. Nothing i eat tastes nice. I just eat.. I dont know what i can do to stop. If i wasnt going bald i wouldnt be eating now but it'll take me forever to get back on track. I need to want this so much and i just cant seem to sort myself out.
But anyways i have more important things to sort out T. I miss him so much! I think about him everyday and when he told me he was thinking about me i was in tears! I wish i hadnt been so stupid about him and when he tried to sort things out, id tried to. but i didnt and its not that i regret something i did. its that i regret something i didnt do while i had the chance, and now i relise things would be so different if i had. But i need to sort myself out i do know that.
So ive made a list of things to do and change about myself to keep my mind off him;
- Getting back on track with my dieting. [ofcourse is top, despite not wanting to i'll probably turn to purging again]
- New hair
-Change my make up style. [of them i've had many]
-Become a nicer person.
-Get on with my school work.
-Get a job
-Sell some more of my things I dont want, for money! :)
- MOVE ON.
Anyways other then that, I am not happy atall. I was involved in a bus crash on the way home from school nearly 4 months ago now where two of my lovely friends died. And on the bus home the other day i relised people still arent wearing there seat belts and i nevr used to be one to bother about them, i'd bnever wear mine but since the crash i always have it on! And the girl i mentioned it to about her not wearing it she said 'i cant be arsed' I could of actually smacked her in the face there and then! She nearly lost her arm in the crash, she would of if it wasnt for her mums pleading. Im not a nasty person unless i have to be, but i wish she had lost her arm she might of bloody learnt! Its not just her though, It makes me so angry we all lost two amazing people and they still can't learn!
Stay strong; ox
Wednesday 15 September 2010
do i want to be bald?
Well i managed to fast all day today my body actually had zero energy, im not even being funny i could hardly carry my bag around school thats how tired i was.
I got home and was ready for my hour and a half long walk with P. But something happend which took half an hour so i thought i'd do my hair. Brushing through, and a massive clump of hair came out and i didnt think to much of it, then it happend again.
I thought to myself; is this really worth it, cause i straight away knew it was from how many fast's id been doing recently. So i did it. I ate. I ate food. And you know something i dont even regret it.
But now i've eaten i can fast again. I dont know why im so obsessed with fasting but and im probably wrong but i seem to think now i've eaten my hair will be fine, but it wont. I know really it wont be fine. But it'll have to be. Im not going to start my 10 day fast again cause that would be stupid [since i barley ate anything]. Im just going to carry on like im not going bald. & then... then i guess i'll be happy. I'll be happy when im thin, with no hair.
I'll be happy? i doubt i'll ever be happy with my weight.
But i can try & then no one can ever say i didnt try to make it better. Because weather i go bald, fait, get ill. I'll be doing something i want to do. & want to starve, i want to starve forever!
Stay strong! You all keep me going through the day! ox
I got home and was ready for my hour and a half long walk with P. But something happend which took half an hour so i thought i'd do my hair. Brushing through, and a massive clump of hair came out and i didnt think to much of it, then it happend again.
I thought to myself; is this really worth it, cause i straight away knew it was from how many fast's id been doing recently. So i did it. I ate. I ate food. And you know something i dont even regret it.
But now i've eaten i can fast again. I dont know why im so obsessed with fasting but and im probably wrong but i seem to think now i've eaten my hair will be fine, but it wont. I know really it wont be fine. But it'll have to be. Im not going to start my 10 day fast again cause that would be stupid [since i barley ate anything]. Im just going to carry on like im not going bald. & then... then i guess i'll be happy. I'll be happy when im thin, with no hair.
I'll be happy? i doubt i'll ever be happy with my weight.
But i can try & then no one can ever say i didnt try to make it better. Because weather i go bald, fait, get ill. I'll be doing something i want to do. & want to starve, i want to starve forever!
Stay strong! You all keep me going through the day! ox
Tuesday 14 September 2010
BOOM.
One day of fasting; Done no problem!
Its tuesday night now & i dont know what im going to do on sunday, i have to go to my grans. Cause i have art to do [because i was stupid enough and took it] and she can basically do it for me. But because she's picking me up before lunch i dont know what im going to do, i might just have carrots and potatoe. Cause i dont see any harm in eating them, especially since i know i have to eat otherwise if i just sya no to food once she'll think im starving myself to death or something over the top. But yea this is going pretty well, ofcourse i had the usual cravings but i didnt give in! I was looking at myself this morning and i just thought; what a fat bellied, cellulite legged, double chinned ugly whore. I just want to be pretty. I must say that everyday but thats all i want and to be pretty you have to be thin.
You know since starting this blog i've been a hell of a lot more successful. Because when i eat i feel guilty and think you'll all be ashamed of me! By the way thank you to my 11 followers, your comments make this evenmore worth it!
I have so much work t do its not even funny im basically pulling my hair out! I have business coursework for the 24th! Art for 5 days away! Chemistry & Biology & german! I actually cant cope with this amount of work! :(
Anyways back to my plan i was meant to do a ten day fast but my grans on sunday, which i have to go to so i'll be doing a five day fast. Eating a small meal. Then another five day fast! After that i plan to do my one apple a day cut into 8 for a week. Then wherever things go from there..
I can't wait to prove them all wrong! :) ox
Its tuesday night now & i dont know what im going to do on sunday, i have to go to my grans. Cause i have art to do [because i was stupid enough and took it] and she can basically do it for me. But because she's picking me up before lunch i dont know what im going to do, i might just have carrots and potatoe. Cause i dont see any harm in eating them, especially since i know i have to eat otherwise if i just sya no to food once she'll think im starving myself to death or something over the top. But yea this is going pretty well, ofcourse i had the usual cravings but i didnt give in! I was looking at myself this morning and i just thought; what a fat bellied, cellulite legged, double chinned ugly whore. I just want to be pretty. I must say that everyday but thats all i want and to be pretty you have to be thin.
You know since starting this blog i've been a hell of a lot more successful. Because when i eat i feel guilty and think you'll all be ashamed of me! By the way thank you to my 11 followers, your comments make this evenmore worth it!
I have so much work t do its not even funny im basically pulling my hair out! I have business coursework for the 24th! Art for 5 days away! Chemistry & Biology & german! I actually cant cope with this amount of work! :(
Anyways back to my plan i was meant to do a ten day fast but my grans on sunday, which i have to go to so i'll be doing a five day fast. Eating a small meal. Then another five day fast! After that i plan to do my one apple a day cut into 8 for a week. Then wherever things go from there..
I can't wait to prove them all wrong! :) ox
Monday 13 September 2010
where is my willpower?
Guess who ate? me. I dont even know why. I wasnt hungry. And you want to know something I didnt enjoy a single bit of it. It tasted like dirt! Every food i ate while i was eating tasted like total shit. I dont even know why i ate it. I didnt enjoy it. So for a punishment to myself; Im fasting for ten days. I dont get why i cant be as strong as other girls! i need to be twice as strong! because im four times as fat as them all im so weak! :( when i first started this i knew it'd become and obsession and never stop. it just keeps getting worse. Wish me luck with my 10 day fast [starting tomorrow] cause im gonna need it.
But we all know, we'll all be dead before we're thin enough. ox
But we all know, we'll all be dead before we're thin enough. ox
Sunday 12 September 2010
shaking body.
I managed not to binge lastnight while searching the internet for anything and everything thinspo. & i got to sleep at half twelve and woke up at half twelve so i got a good twelve hour sleep.
But i woke up to my whole body shaking and my head feels so heavy and sore my necks also killing me!
i was trying to text before i couldnt see the screen i was shaking that much. I might go and get some fruit juice or something to sort myself out. I feel like i could fast forever. Im considering becoming vegan, but then again i dont want people to think im a wierdo [cause thats how my friends would look at me] so i might just dislike alot of food, cause i mean ive got off a hell of alot of food recently.
Im shaking while typing this, its so hard to hit the right keys with my hands shaking so much! :(
Well anyways school tomorrow and when i get back from school i usualy head straight for the fridge and binge my fat ass off. But i'll try not to, since i've managed to fast for two days and by the time i get back from school it'll be three so i wont want to ruin it all by something that has 500 cal and i can only eat for two minutes.
I still havent weighed myself. When i've finised writing this im going to go down stairs and weigh then i'll edit it into this
Im trying to beat my longest fast which was 5 days so i think im going for a week this time maybe 10 days! :) then i know im going for the one apple a day chopped into 8 peices.
*I HAVE PUT ON 5LBS IN 26 DAYS! I SORE IT AND STARTED CRYING. I WENT FOR THE FRIDGE AND MANAGED NOT TO EAT I JUST DRANK ABOUT 25O CALS IN FRUIT JUICE! AM I REALLY GOING TO BE HAPPY AT THE END OF ALL THIS! WHEN I GET TO 95LBS. IM NOW ABOUT 131LBS SO I NEED TO LOOSE 36LBS. WHICH IS BASICALLY 3STONE.*
KG; ox
But i woke up to my whole body shaking and my head feels so heavy and sore my necks also killing me!
i was trying to text before i couldnt see the screen i was shaking that much. I might go and get some fruit juice or something to sort myself out. I feel like i could fast forever. Im considering becoming vegan, but then again i dont want people to think im a wierdo [cause thats how my friends would look at me] so i might just dislike alot of food, cause i mean ive got off a hell of alot of food recently.
Im shaking while typing this, its so hard to hit the right keys with my hands shaking so much! :(
Well anyways school tomorrow and when i get back from school i usualy head straight for the fridge and binge my fat ass off. But i'll try not to, since i've managed to fast for two days and by the time i get back from school it'll be three so i wont want to ruin it all by something that has 500 cal and i can only eat for two minutes.
I still havent weighed myself. When i've finised writing this im going to go down stairs and weigh then i'll edit it into this
Im trying to beat my longest fast which was 5 days so i think im going for a week this time maybe 10 days! :) then i know im going for the one apple a day chopped into 8 peices.
*I HAVE PUT ON 5LBS IN 26 DAYS! I SORE IT AND STARTED CRYING. I WENT FOR THE FRIDGE AND MANAGED NOT TO EAT I JUST DRANK ABOUT 25O CALS IN FRUIT JUICE! AM I REALLY GOING TO BE HAPPY AT THE END OF ALL THIS! WHEN I GET TO 95LBS. IM NOW ABOUT 131LBS SO I NEED TO LOOSE 36LBS. WHICH IS BASICALLY 3STONE.*
KG; ox
Saturday 11 September 2010
HELP.
Sorry to over load you with post's but..
I AM ABOUT TO BINGE! SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME SOME THINSPIRATION..! :(
I AM ABOUT TO BINGE! SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME SOME THINSPIRATION..! :(
i win.
I have been fasting for 24 hours now then, since i didnt fast yesterday i started yesterday at seven and now its half seven today. so 24 hours of fasting done! no problem.
my mum went out food shopping today and bought loads of chocolate and all my favourite food! I could of cried when i sore it. :( but im going to stay strong. i feel hungry and when i feel hungry i start to feel beautiful!
Ive got my business coursework to keep my mind off things, i need to get my head down like! otherwise i will FAIL. :|
FYI;
I went to the bank today to get some money out and then i rememberd i forgot my pin so i felt like i right foool! Me & C have still fallen out & you knwo what i couldnt care any less as basically every lass has said she needs to get some real friends she only has me [who hates her] J [who dislikes her] and THIGHS [who is a sad lonely wierdo who also needs friends]. But yea im pretty happy at the moment now im getting back on track :)
my mum went out food shopping today and bought loads of chocolate and all my favourite food! I could of cried when i sore it. :( but im going to stay strong. i feel hungry and when i feel hungry i start to feel beautiful!
Ive got my business coursework to keep my mind off things, i need to get my head down like! otherwise i will FAIL. :|
FYI;
I went to the bank today to get some money out and then i rememberd i forgot my pin so i felt like i right foool! Me & C have still fallen out & you knwo what i couldnt care any less as basically every lass has said she needs to get some real friends she only has me [who hates her] J [who dislikes her] and THIGHS [who is a sad lonely wierdo who also needs friends]. But yea im pretty happy at the moment now im getting back on track :)
KG; ox
Friday 10 September 2010
PAH!
Did i fast? did i fuck.
I know over the weekend i can get back on track im going to make sure of it!
I CAN DO IT.
Thank you for everyone who have showed support for me for this past week or so where i have became a fat whore! :(
Morning scales. So i can face my sins!
& then whatever comes my way during the day :)
I wanted to go out & spend money, but i dont deserve it. So im savin it til i get to my goal weights!
Which i think is a good idea cause i love buying new things and whatever but id enjoy spending money mor ethen loosing weight so if i stop myself from spending then i'll want to loose it faster :)
I sore a gorgeous cardigan on the topshop website well two actually and its coming up to winter so i was going to buy one of them but, im waiting til ive got to my goal even tho one of them is about to go offline im not giving in, im sure there'll be more. I have money from selling some of my designer shoes on the internet & a blazer & dress i got about £60 & then ill get £12.50 lunch money every week & if i could see some more things would be good! :)
Anyways i have still fallen out with C & she has tried to make PJ fall out with me. Glad to say it didnt wok and everyone relised what a backstabbing cow she is! But im happy ive stood my ground and im not running back saying im sorry cause i meant every word i said! ;)
STAY STRONG.
KG;ox
I know over the weekend i can get back on track im going to make sure of it!
I CAN DO IT.
Thank you for everyone who have showed support for me for this past week or so where i have became a fat whore! :(
Morning scales. So i can face my sins!
& then whatever comes my way during the day :)
I wanted to go out & spend money, but i dont deserve it. So im savin it til i get to my goal weights!
Which i think is a good idea cause i love buying new things and whatever but id enjoy spending money mor ethen loosing weight so if i stop myself from spending then i'll want to loose it faster :)
I sore a gorgeous cardigan on the topshop website well two actually and its coming up to winter so i was going to buy one of them but, im waiting til ive got to my goal even tho one of them is about to go offline im not giving in, im sure there'll be more. I have money from selling some of my designer shoes on the internet & a blazer & dress i got about £60 & then ill get £12.50 lunch money every week & if i could see some more things would be good! :)
Anyways i have still fallen out with C & she has tried to make PJ fall out with me. Glad to say it didnt wok and everyone relised what a backstabbing cow she is! But im happy ive stood my ground and im not running back saying im sorry cause i meant every word i said! ;)
STAY STRONG.
KG;ox
Wednesday 8 September 2010
handeling business.
Fuck my life.
by now i should be like food? whats that? its more like food? oh you mean the stuff i eat loads of when i get back from schoo, yea i know the stuff i dont keep out of my mouth.
PAH! im a fucking joke.
I mean ive cut down an awfull lot. But im still eating.
Tomorrow im not going promise anything, but im going to try my damn hardest! I promise i'll try hard.
My best friend C is talking to my best friend T. And i basically said look right if i did this to 1 or 2 then you wouldnt like me! its not that its T. Its that its my ex. and youre meant to be my bestfriend! and you should know better.
Then she started getting all cocky 'i never said you were my bestfriend mate.' well she obviously did for the past three years. & then she told me to get a life! I didnt reply cause i didnt want to argue just state my point.
I have so much work to do its unreal! if i want a disinction in my business btec studies then i have loaaaaaads of work to do, and i do want distinction and at the end of year 11 i want distinction * which means distinction on every peice of coursework. cause no exams in btec. so i need to get my head down.
me and my mother have made up, when i got back from my grans my mum gave me some new benefit make up which i loved & i loved her for giving me! It actually made my week!
But yea lots of work up in five hours for a shower and to get read for school, cause tomorrows photograph day.
by now i should be like food? whats that? its more like food? oh you mean the stuff i eat loads of when i get back from schoo, yea i know the stuff i dont keep out of my mouth.
PAH! im a fucking joke.
I mean ive cut down an awfull lot. But im still eating.
Tomorrow im not going promise anything, but im going to try my damn hardest! I promise i'll try hard.
My best friend C is talking to my best friend T. And i basically said look right if i did this to 1 or 2 then you wouldnt like me! its not that its T. Its that its my ex. and youre meant to be my bestfriend! and you should know better.
Then she started getting all cocky 'i never said you were my bestfriend mate.' well she obviously did for the past three years. & then she told me to get a life! I didnt reply cause i didnt want to argue just state my point.
I have so much work to do its unreal! if i want a disinction in my business btec studies then i have loaaaaaads of work to do, and i do want distinction and at the end of year 11 i want distinction * which means distinction on every peice of coursework. cause no exams in btec. so i need to get my head down.
me and my mother have made up, when i got back from my grans my mum gave me some new benefit make up which i loved & i loved her for giving me! It actually made my week!
But yea lots of work up in five hours for a shower and to get read for school, cause tomorrows photograph day.
KG; ox
Sunday 5 September 2010
this right here i swear will end to soon.
HA!
Well im home. My mum seems cool with me. I've got rid of my puppy today, cause i had no time for it & i know the lady i gave it to will love it. S & T are all over eachother & its actually killing me i was so angry before i was emailing a friend but actually bashing the life out of my keyboard, I could of started smashing my face off a wall! Back to school on tuesday.
Now im home im going to fast for as long as possible. No set time. Just until i get as thin as i want. Until i waste away.
I'll get on the scales tomorrow to find out my start weight because i know ive put alot on while ive been at my grans. You see shes fat & doesnt see that i dont like eating as much as she does!
But yes i am fasting as of now. & walking again. tomorrow you just wait! :)
Well im home. My mum seems cool with me. I've got rid of my puppy today, cause i had no time for it & i know the lady i gave it to will love it. S & T are all over eachother & its actually killing me i was so angry before i was emailing a friend but actually bashing the life out of my keyboard, I could of started smashing my face off a wall! Back to school on tuesday.
Now im home im going to fast for as long as possible. No set time. Just until i get as thin as i want. Until i waste away.
I'll get on the scales tomorrow to find out my start weight because i know ive put alot on while ive been at my grans. You see shes fat & doesnt see that i dont like eating as much as she does!
But yes i am fasting as of now. & walking again. tomorrow you just wait! :)
KG; ox
Friday 3 September 2010
i will never be skinny enough.
Im really sorry for my last few posts of me just complaining about being fat & my mother. When really the only ting to blame is my lack of will power. When really i cant complain about what ive done cause its the past, i need to think about what i will do next time! :)
I still stuck at my grans for another two days, I text my mum about going home & she said 'no the house is still upside down.' so im going to give her tp sunday morning then go home. Cause i need her to take me out and buy me some shoes. Then i need to come back to my grans to get my bag that i've ordered.
But my plan for when i get home is to either fast, which i'd prefer. Or to do the one apple cut into eight a day.
But im going to do my morning walk; 45mins.
Then my night time walk with P; 2/3 hours.
EVERYDAY.
I still stuck at my grans for another two days, I text my mum about going home & she said 'no the house is still upside down.' so im going to give her tp sunday morning then go home. Cause i need her to take me out and buy me some shoes. Then i need to come back to my grans to get my bag that i've ordered.
But my plan for when i get home is to either fast, which i'd prefer. Or to do the one apple cut into eight a day.
But im going to do my morning walk; 45mins.
Then my night time walk with P; 2/3 hours.
EVERYDAY.
KG; ox
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