shut up complaining you fat slut.

Only two and a half days stuck at my grans eating! :/


Being stuck here has made me heavier then before i started this! FAT FUCKING SLUT!
Im nearly ten stone!? TEN FUCKING STONES! :'(


Celulite thighs. belly rolls. fat face. flabby arms.


I could cry. I feel so dirty fat.


Only two and a half more days! & then i can go home and starve & run & walk & purge.


I HATE MYSELF.

KG; one fat fuck. ox

been a while

No weight loss.

Well me and my mother had an argument three days ago and havent talked since and tonight she went if your not going to help you can ring your gran and go and stay with her. But i dont know if she meant just while the kitchen was getting done or forever. She does my fucking head in the stupid slut.
Im sure theres something wrong in her head.

So im going to stay at my grans for a week then i'll come home and see what crack is. Cause theres only ten days til im back at school and my stupid mother needs to buy me some new shoes.

Anyways i havent done much accept sleep and stay in bed.

KG; ox

i want your loving.

i wont even bother talking about my weight.

i've been acting totally different for the past few months or so. and i was looking up my symtoms on the internet and im worried that i have bipolar disorder. I have had depression since i started secondary but it had sort of calmed down at the start of this year and recently its seemed to of got alot worse. Not as in self harm anymore, nothing like that. Just awfull mood swings like lasting for days or weeks, from total highs to complete lows. & also the hopless lows, where i just feel crap for no reason atall. Ive had a few other symtoms and im not sure what to do next? tell my mum? go to the doctors (which i'd need my mum for) or leave it.

Im still awake and its five in the morning. But im not even tired. Im staying awake all night cause then tonight i'll go to sleep at a decent time. & therefore get up at a decent time.


KG; ox

not even worth writing about.

Ive eaten a hell of alot!
I still have no job.
Im still fat.
& i havent been on a walk in a day.


I have 16 days until i start back at school!
& i need to look amazing.


I want for school;
false eyelashes.
false nails
new bag
new shoes
new mascarra
new foundation.


i hate myself. i hate myself for having no will power. i hate myself for being who i am.

KG; ox

fat mess.

i didnt dare weigh myself this morning. fat. fat. fat.
but that didnt stop me eating today. even more of a fat whore.

So tomorrow i will stop, hold me to it.

I rang places asking about jobs today and since its wednesday most places are closed or close early so alot didnt answer, but the ones that did said ring back when the boss is in. I have to ring one back tomorrow along with the rest who didn't answer and one on saturday. I really do hope i get a job. Im totaly broke. I have £1.30.
And a job would get me out of bed and on my feet i guess.

But my walk tonight well hellish, me & P walked for three hours flat. I feel like i have blisters the size of golf balls on my feet. And my leg cramps and unreal.
But same again tomorrow ;)

I need to loose some serious weight!

KG; ox

foods slave

lastnight  i went on a walk with P.
this morning my bmi had lost that 0.04 it had gone up by yesterday!

I didnt get up this morning and P rang saying she couldnt do tonight so tonight i did my morning run and my night walk and it was alright actually. 
i ate today, i ate alot. but i didnt purge. it must of been about a week since ive ate normaly like i ate today. but its stopped thats it.
i need to be thin
im sick of seeing this fat scummy whore in the mirror when i look at myself.

i fell out with M tonight, he's my bestfriend. i had ago at him cause he's like forgot about me since all the new girls he's  texting and so on, but he only talks to me when he wants something and i was sick of it i was screaming down the phone about how full of himself he is and how he isnt gorgeous and i didnt care anymore. but yanno im kay.
long walk tomorrow with P, she promised a 2/3 hour walk cause she missed today. i'll probably go on my own later aswell.

KG; ox

0.04.

My bmi had gone up by 0.04 this morning when i weighed myself. my weight had gone up a 'little'. its not that i put weight on, its that i didnt loose any!
I slept in i was meant to be up at six to go on my run at half six and i got up at ten to seven, but still got up & went on my run-for-two-minutes, then got a stitch and walked. Thats how unfit i am, any idea what i can do to keep myself running for longer?
I did binge yesterday after my post on; an apple, a sandwich, and a kitkat. I couldnt believe i binged. I wasn't even hungry! I dont know why i did it, im so ashamed.
Blood shot eyes, sore throat, tears running down my face & bad stomach. Is what i had to put up with while purging. It took me ages! it was like my stomach was grabbing hold of the only food it had, got in days and it wasnt letting go. I'd so i got about 70% up which isn't the best but i suppose i could of done worse.
Im getting ready to go to the beach today, catch some sun in this great weather we're having latley!

KG; 0.04 fatter. xo

binge.

I got on the scales and there had gone one. just one pound! im not down to my 130.

i am seriously about to go and binge i dont know what to do to stop myself! and if i binge i'll never stop and i'll become more or a fat whore.

Tomorrow morning i am up at six to be ready for half six to then go on an hours run. Then to the besch to catch some rays.

I feel so weak now. i know i'm about to go and binge. im not even craving and kind of food im not even hungry!

KG; ox

one pound.

one pound? one crappy little pound is all i have lost. i said to myself as i looked at the scales, i started to think is it really worth it? is this all really worth it in the long term? am i happy? i couldn't answer any of those questions i asked myself, i'll answer them when i am 90 pounds. my mum said to me today; maybe if you hadn't been starving yourself. & i stopped and thought shit she knows, i quickly changed the topic.

i have fasted for three days and i can feel my body shutting down on its self, slowly. walking takes all my energy. i have a bad back. but then when i get hunger pains i feel beautiful & relise its worth all the pain and lack of food. i have had nearly no urge to go and eat today. i had my usual few mouth fulls of fruit juice that i have everyday. and half a glass of ribena. i went on the wii fit for a while, i would of stayed on it alot longer if me and my mum hadnt started arguing. i think monday-friday i might start getting up and going for a run/jog at half six. the time my mum goes to work. because i need to start doing something to loose more weight. i would join the gym again if i had any money, but my mum is refusing to pay for it.

any ideas of what exercises i can do in my room? ofcourse i do the usual sit ups.

other things in life are umm going pretty well i guess, i've came to terms with im never going to get T back. It's four weeks today since we broke up. and i relised i need to get a grip. and since im always thinking about what im eating how much exercise im doing i dont really think about him to much.

  

what i would do for these arms.

KG; on shitty little stone lighter.

four pounds.

Got on the scales this morning; goodbye four pounds! ;)


I am so pleased with myself, eventhough its just a start im still happy about it. I dont even feel hungry which is suprising. I was craving a KFC so bad earlier, i was nearly in tears. But i've said to myself at the end of the month if i get to my goal. I might maybe go to KFC with C; being my bestriend who i havent seen in three weeks & won't see for another three.


I spoke to my ex before just about getting some stuff of mine back, but he spoke first so it made it better. He said; you want your stuff at school mate:)? and that actually made me want to cry its been nearly a month since we broke up and its driving me mad. Him giving me my stuff is like an end to things. But loosing him gives me even more willpower to loose weight then i can be like;


TAKE
A
LOOK
AT
ME
NOW!


Anyways, i think i might fast for today since i dont seem hungry. Not sure about tomorrow. KG; four pounds lighter.

135.

I thought i'd start a blog so i could track and keep a record of my weight while i loose weight, i am currently 135 which is over weight for someone who's barley 5ft4. I didn't think i was over weight until i sat and worked it out & thats when my obsession started again; i've been very on and off with a weight problem for a few years but finding out i am overweight triggerd it again.


I have been on a two day fast and i think i've done pretty well but in the morning i will see how much weight i have lost. Fingers crossed. KG.