well done.

ive been really ill this weekend, alcohol poisoning! good effort.

friday night was crazy never drank so much in my life! i slept with the guy i liked and now were not talking, lifes class!

but most of all ive been throwing up alot, which gives me a good start to loosing weight again!
im going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and go from there. but definately no drink for a while!
xoxo

some people spend their whole life dreaming off success while others wake up and work hard at it!

LOST WEIGHT! i am now 127pounds!
lastnight i ssat and wrote out what i actually wanted to achieve and reasons why;
- go on a detox only drinking water
- yoga in the morning and before bed
- cut all the shit fast food
- walk as much as possible
-30 sit ups in the morning and 30 before bed, +10 more after every week
- try to cut the puring
- CW- 127 -125 -120 -115 -110 -105 -100 GW- 90 UGW- impossible.
- every goal weight = reward (not food obviously)

reasons to do this;
- look good with confidence
- can say 'i am thin'
-do something people say i cant do
- look good in everything
- bikinni body!
- people jealous of me instead of me jealous of people
- i would then be the tanned, thin, blonde girl!

what i want to look like;
- flat stomach
- gap thighs
- toned belly
- thin arms
- collar bones
- hip bones
-long hair
- perfect skin
- PERFECTION.

'it doesnt matter how slow you go, aslong as you dont stop.'

xoxo

i wonder how it feels to be irresistibly attractive.

no matter how much i try to drag myself away from all this, all i want to be is skinny for summer!

in fading, im broken inside.

doubt i could of had a worse week, do you ever get the feeling like everyone and everything hates you? i felt like this all week, so many people seemed to have ago, i just did everything wrong and i dont know what to do. i give up!

they never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it.
i have two weeks off school and i want to go back thinner. im going to give it my all! i promise you that. my best friends at home in dubai while the boarding house is closed for the holidays, so i wont be out drinking our out for meals with her. i have absolutely nothing planned, theres parties over these holidays but i dont want to go because i want to go back and for it to be a shock. i need some diet plans and exercise plans quick! so anyone please help! and tell me how youre getting along? i could really do with all your support.

on a better note either this summer or next im going to australia to stay with my auntie for a month, i think i might go next, depends on how i feel closer to the time. this summers only 5 weeks but next will be 10 because of studie leave an everything..

stay strong lovelys xoxo

its just you and me, against the world, against ourselves.

sitting on my roof out my bedroom window, wondering what is going to happen next? what is going to go wrong? something has to just fuck everything up, ruin perfection. i live my life in a bubble at the moment just taking things as they come and just watching everyone elses life go by. i cant see danger, or anyone elses feelings, mind that i cant even see my own feelings, i dont even think i have any. i speak my mind so much, if i look at someone and the first thing that comes into my head i'll tell them what i think, i dont care who they are. i havent got on the scales, i dont really want to either.

i will waste away, this month.

i will. i will.
xoxo

where we go hardcore.

i cant beleive how long i havent posted in, ive became so rubbish at all this. this used to be like my life id sit on here for hours commenting and posting.
im dropping pounds like you wouldnt believe!
ive turned to purging again, which i promised myself i wouldnt because of my teeth! :( but if im loosing weight then its working. my lifes became so wild! im honestly out every weekend and if im not im thinking about when im next going to be out.
im going to try and keep you posted with everything and get back into this cause i used to be obsessed!
how is everyone doing?! stay strong girlies xoxo

life ain't no nintendo game, you dont get no second chances.

i dont know what to think, or who to believe. everything spun out of control and hit rock bottom. my only support is myself and i have to sort things out. once you hit rock bottom the only way is up, the only person who can sort it out is me, i either sort things out or stay at rock bottom. and rock bottom isnt a very nice place.
xoxo

i want to fall asleep and never wake up..

sorry i havent posted i smashed my laptop and had to wait to get a new one.
fyi;
ive had a massive fall out with my mum and i dont live with her anymore i havent for about 10 days ish? and god its weird, i miss her and stuff. im in tears writing this, cause just now have i realised how shit my life is. i fucking hate my life. my friends are two faced, shit, backstabbing, useless wastes of space, annoying. i sometimes look at people i hate and think i hope you get hit by a train. everyone and their fucking perfect life, and there's me with no dad and a mum that doesnt want me! life is class.

being at my grans has made weightloss hard, but now im settled it im going to try and stick to it, easier said then done with her forcing food down my throat.

xoxo

just a little bit smaller.

atleast i didnt gain.
got on the scale and it had only dropped by 0.04 on my bmi but atleast i didnt gain, thats the main thing

Tea -
very small salad
letuce
cucumber
sweetcorns
grated carrot
grated cheese

but only a very small amount, i dont know how much calories there was but it was the only thing i ate all day because i was scared it would be 500 cals.

how am i meant to keep starving myself when my mum buy all the fatty foods id love to live off! she came home today with chocolate muffins and my heart stopped! i was like nooooooooooo, how the fuck am i meant to stay away?! all i think about is food twenty four, seven!

i want a flat stomach like the girl in the middle for summer.

46 pounds away from perfection.

i will get there, you'll see ox

hello hip bones.

got on the scale and 136. well done me, may be slow at the moment but its still going. i can see more of a difference aswell!


Lunch
toast - 138 cal
butter - 40 cal
half an apple - 30 cal
mouth full of milkshake - 20 cal

Tea
sandwich - 100 cal
eclaire - 147cal [if i could of got away without eating this i would of, but my mum went and bought 2 one for me and one for her and she found it abit weird how i wasnt eating it, cause i used to love them, but it was within my daily cals so its okay]
            
= 475 cal

all i want to be is beautiful. i know i have amazing friends who love me, but i need to love myself aswell. i want to be able to look in the mirror without wanting to cry, without hating what i see staring back at me.

i'll try to do this.

i will do this, not for anyone else, just for me.

stay strong girlies ox

true or false it may be.

got on the scale and one pound dropped.

Breakfast;
apple - 50 cal

no lunch

Tea;
baked potato - 200
3 biscuites - 240
apple - 50

= 530

i actually had to have the apple, it was either that or more junk food! i wish this weight could just fall off me and then i could be perfect, but i guess if it was that easy everyone would be thin and amazing! i am 5ft 4, short red hair, massive boobs, belly and horrible wobbley thighs! what i want to be is long blonde hair, thin, toned belly, thin thighs and everything perfect colar bones, cheek bones... i want this. infact, i need this more than anything!
i want to fast so bad, but i know it wont last and ill binge, so im trying to go steady with a little food.
i dont really know what else i can say other then im staying strong for all of you, i know when i left you all back in november i lost all my followers who commented, but i really am trying.

"the only easy day was yesterday and thats because its over"

I'll get there... you'll see. ox

the scale.

i got on the scale today and i didnt like what i sore 137, my heart absolutely sank. but now ive got on i know if i make progress, which ofcourse i will.

anyways on a better note;
i was planning on eating only 500 calories today, and i did it.
Breakfast
Apple - 50 cal

Lunch
Toast 2 slices - 138 cal
Margerine - 36 cal per 10 grams

Tea
5 Biscuits - 250

= 474

im quite proud of myself really, i know its only the first day and the first two weeks are the hardest, but you have no idea how much i was going to binge but i stopped myself and thought 'do i want to hate myself for the rest of the week for something i enjoyed for a minute' the answer was an obvious no. i stayed off school today i just decided i wasnt going in after being up til ridiculous oclock doing my art essay and whatever else, so i stayed in bed and did sweet fuck all. Tomorrow im going to go in so that means i wont be eating lunch, as i never do at school cause i dont know the calories in anything and i dont really like the thought of someone touching my food when i dont know where its been. So for breakfast i will have my apple and when i get home i plan on having a jacket potato with whatever i can, the jacket potato being 245 calories for a 180g potato. but then ofcourse no eating after six, which i stuck to today aswell. i want to start adding more and more exercise but with it being dark early and stuff its abit hard, but im going to try my best.

this summer i will be able to look drop dead gorgeous in those shorts, trust me.

stay strong ox

ana, i would die for you.

you know when you feel so useless and worthless, that you just want to go to sleep and never wake up? well right now, this is how i feel, exactly!

I broke up with N, cause he asked to many questions about my past and things, i dont know i just felt like he knew to much. when i first broke up with him i felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, nowi dont i was crying before cause i was talking to his younger sister and she was like 'he isnt bothered tbh', when he'd been telling me how gutted he was and he really really liked me. if im honest, im gutted. i told everyone i was glad i did it, but im far from it.

on a better note, ive been eating alot less lately. less and less each day which is easy. i do miss fasting for days, but i dont miss the stomach cramps that i'd cry about for hours. tomorrows plan is to bullshit my day off school, cause its 2am right now and im sat doing an art essay that ive been doing for 11 hours! fuck my life. i have loads more work to do, and i honestly doubt i could face going in to school tomorrow, i think id break down. im planning on starting all the exercise i want to do this week, im trying to start everything slowly so i dont keep failing myself by eating. i will get there, no matter what it takes.

stay thin girlies ox

fuck sake!

i dont get how you lot can do it?
honestly! ive gone into such a depressed state. i miss Chloe and Kieran so much, them being dead i just not real, im never gonna see them again. i have so much school work to do, that im meant to be doing now! but nooo. im sat on here and listening to music i dont really like. ive had 3 mcdonnalds in two days! comon this is more then comfort eating!
i sore T my ex today my heart bloody stopped, you know when you just wanna run upto someone and hug the life out of them? well thats what i wanted to do. then to see him walking up to his girlfriend smiling. upsetting? pah!
im not promising what im going to do, cause obviously ive let you down lately, but im gonna try my best anyways :(
i actually hate myself.
stay strong,,ox

take ya money.

fasted all day today, had the odd cravings but it's all good!
tomorrow is 500 cals

i didnt sleep atall lastnight, so im really tired now or id write more.

stay strong;ox

new year, same old me.

i think new years a suitable time to set new goals for myself. i know, i know you've heard this all before! but seriously ive actually been looking forward to new year so then christmas is over and being force fed food i dont even like can stop!
I was with N [my new boyfriend who i havent had time to tell you about] and we always play this game where we rate people out of ten, and ofcourse he said 9.5 for me saying no one can be perfect and all these amazing girls he's friends with were really thin and pretty. and i honestly could of cried he was like 8 and stuff just because i was there, obviously he meant 1000. and theres this girl who i was convinced he was having a thing with before me and she'll be called Boobs, and we were looking at a photo of her on facebook and he went to say 'she looks pretty as out' and she stopped and tried to change the conversation, i was gutted. cause he always says how much he hates her, obviously just saying it to me but yanno what i mean.
the news with me and the boyf?
erm i was seeing him for a little while, actually not even that long. id still rather be just seeing him then officially going out, its not really my scene, i like more then one guy at a time haha. slut i hear you say? nope, i just like to think if i get let down by one, then i have others to keep my mind off it. he's like an inch taller then me and im really short im about 5ft3, i find it abit weird but its only height. he's actually gorgeous, when i first sore him i was like blimeyyyyyy he is fit! i have no idea why he bothers with me, he'snothing like T but im not sure things seem easier with him like i could just drop him any time i wanted. im not sure if i actually like him, but im like this all the time. he always touches my stomach and i bloody hate it since summer i look like ive put on about 2 stone, and i feel like it too! but yea its all good with me and N, just casual. ha!
Now, the important stuff? why haven't i wrote? what have i been doing? have i been eating a load of shit?
i havent wrote on here because when i was fasting all the time i was feeling so tired and had about 0 energy, one time stood out to me it was the end of school and i was walking towards to bus with my friend and i didnt even have the energy to carry my bag, i could feel my legs and arms shaking. and then the hair situation i wrote about, i still loose hair really bad, but i think its more me stressing about being fat. i've been eating like a pig! im not even joking in the slightest, living off chocolate and chocolate milk! i barley even like the stuff, its so sickly and fatty!
 i didnt even go out for new years tonight, ive been throwing up since before christmas. when i split my head open in the crash, ive been getting really bad heads since and ive been backwards and forwards to the doctors for ages. they gave me some pink tablets that did nothing. went back and theyve gave me these things that make me sick and tired. ive got a brain scan on the 14th and im so worried, not about the actual scan, just about what they find! i dont want it to be something awful!
Right and for my diet plan, my new years diet plan;
- 500 cals a day
- fast for 2 days a week, you know how much i love fasting. but im trying to keep it reasonable, rather then all the time and getting ill.
- 30 minutes exercise 5 days a week, easier said then actually done! when i go to school its dark and when i get back its dark!
- sit ups every night, this is vital. a few sit ups everyday is meant to tone your stomach so well.

how i am now, is probably the most unhappy i have ever been in my whole life! nothing cheers me up, not even spending money cheers me up anymore! i looked in the mirror today and imagened i was 10 and i looked and myself and thought when im older i dont want to be anything like her! if i could of seen what i was going to turn out like then maybe things would be different, even last new year i didnt imagen i'd be anything like this now!

ive also made a few new years resolutions -
- stick to my diet plan.
- only eat when im hungry, not bored!
- be a nicer person ha
- and get back to being a happy person! i miss it so much :(

stay strong,ox

i need to fast.

You know something when i fast i hate doing it, but when i stop i miss it. Right now me not fasting is wierd its just like oh yea i need to eat now don't i? I want to loose weight and be the thinnest most beautiful girl in the world, but i guess thats all we all want. I finally got pills to help my hair, to stop it from falling out. Now i have no excuse. I stopped living normaly when i chose to be like this and i guess we all gave up rights to a normal life, this isn't living anymore this isnt even existing. This is just being here, barley being here.
But yea i'm fasting tomorrow and im not planning ahead of that and writing it on here cause i'll feel like id of let you all down if i failed myself. But im going to try my best, it's not just being thin it's proving to everyone i can do it. Being the best.

But thank you for everyone who's been supportive to me. I actually couldnt do it without all of your comments and help!

Stay strong; ox

time for change

Im not talking about dieting today, cause i dont see any point.

Yesterday i wrote a short list of things i wanted to do to change, today im making it longer and more detailed;
- Grow my hair, since i made the mistake of having it all cut off about a year and a half ago. I then plan on dying it ginger when it gets past boob length. But im not to sure on the colour just yet cause im sure i will of changed my mind by then.
-Eat healthier; salads, less crap. Because im going to try to stop fasting all the time on and off, and just eat better.
-Become a happier person. Says it all really.
-Sell some more stuff that i dont want, cause i have loads of clothes i dont wear just sitting there that i could sell for more money, since Christmas is only a few months away!
-Try harder to get a job.
-Look after my skin more, cause i have very dry skin and recently i havent been taking care of it.
-Instead of being obsessed with acrylic nails, take care of my own more.
-Get on with my school work. Insteadof being constantly distracted in class and on here instead of doing my homework/coursework.
-Start a hobby, like boxercise,hockey, art classes..ect
-Walk before and after school


And when i get myself back on track with school and everything, start dieting like i used to. When i had real willpower, when i wanted this more then anything ever! I ate today. And i'll eat tomorrow. But i really need to sort myself out and get back to how it was, when i could fast for days and loose weight in an instant.

Stay strong, and please dont be ashamed of me! ox

and we dont know how we got into this situation

Im eating normally until i get something to help my hair, cause i am not going bald! :|
I'll probably pick some up tomorrow until im back on track, i got the worst stomach pains ever today i think its cause i ate the most i have in a while. I dont enjoy eating, infact i feel guilty. I dont even like how it tastes. Nothing i eat tastes nice. I just eat.. I dont know what i can do to stop. If i wasnt going bald i wouldnt be eating now but it'll take me forever to get back on track. I need to want this so much and i just cant seem to sort myself out.
But anyways i have more important things to sort out T. I miss him so much! I think about him everyday and when he told me he was thinking about me i was in tears! I wish i hadnt been so stupid about him and when he tried to sort things out, id tried to. but i didnt and its not that i regret something i did. its that i regret something i didnt do while i had the chance, and now i relise things would be so different if i had. But i need to sort myself out i do know that.
So ive made a list of things to do and change about myself to keep my mind off him;
- Getting back on track with my dieting. [ofcourse is top, despite not wanting to i'll probably turn to purging again]
- New hair
-Change my make up style. [of them i've had many]
-Become a nicer person.
-Get on with my school work.
-Get a job
-Sell some more of my things I dont want, for money! :)
- MOVE ON.

Anyways other then that, I am not happy atall. I was involved in a bus crash on the way home from school nearly 4 months ago now where two of my lovely friends died. And on the bus home the other day i relised people still arent wearing there seat belts and i nevr used to be one to bother about them, i'd bnever wear mine but since the crash i always have it on! And the girl i mentioned it to about her not wearing it she said 'i cant be arsed' I could of actually smacked her in the face there and then! She nearly lost her arm in the crash, she would of if it wasnt for her mums pleading. Im not a nasty person unless i have to be, but i wish she had lost her arm she might of bloody learnt! Its not just her though, It makes me so angry we all lost two amazing people and they still can't learn!

Stay strong; ox

do i want to be bald?

Well i managed to fast all day today my body actually had zero energy, im not even being funny i could hardly carry my bag around school thats how tired i was.
I got home and was ready for my hour and a half long walk with P. But something happend which took half an hour so i thought i'd do my hair. Brushing through, and a massive clump of hair came out and i didnt think to much of it, then it happend again.
I thought to myself; is this really worth it, cause i straight away knew it was from how many fast's id been doing recently. So i did it. I ate. I ate food. And you know something i dont even regret it.
But now i've eaten i can fast again. I dont know why im so obsessed with fasting but and im probably wrong but i seem to think now i've eaten my hair will be fine, but it wont. I know really it wont be fine. But it'll have to be. Im not going to start my 10 day fast again cause that would be stupid [since i barley ate anything]. Im just going to carry on like im not going bald. & then... then i guess i'll be happy. I'll be happy when im thin, with no hair.
I'll be happy? i doubt i'll ever be happy with my weight.
But i can try & then no one can ever say i didnt try to make it better. Because weather i go bald, fait, get ill. I'll be doing something i want to do. &  want to starve, i want to starve forever!

Stay strong! You all keep me going through the day! ox